January 12, 2009
I am delighted to hear that MoMA is initiating a new, unprecedented commitment to performance art and that you are actively looking into figuring out rules for preserving this ephemeral art form. Your tireless efforts to address the discrepancies between a performance and its remnants with really out-there artists that are really experimental and really contemporary and really innovative must be applauded forever - like hours.
You might be interested to hear that, in 2005, I came up with a solution to preserve a performance by your ex-lover, Marina Abramovic. Having salvaged one of the ice-blocks she used in her reenactment of Lips of Thomas at the Guggenheim Museum, I distilled drippings from it to create Eau d'Abramovic, a skin care tonic infused with the aura of the self-described "grandmother of performance art."
Today, I want to surprise you with a free sample of Eau d'Abramovic and encourage you to baptize yourself with it to induct yourself into the world of performance art - not as a bystander, but as an active participant!
Ever since your appearance as a vampire at Courtney Love's Halloween party in 2006, it has become apparent that you really ought to be seen and honored as a performance artist in your own right (to me, this was your freshman performance, overlooked and waiting to be acquired by a museum to be reproduced forever). Take my gift as a catalyst and go for it! Judging from your sophomore performance (your hissy fit and walkout at the Arts Directors Club on October 23, 2008, as seen on Youtube), your contribution to performance art will be, without a doubt, really experimental and really contemporary and really innovative. I can easily picture you jet-setting around the world reenacting this stellar performance in museums from Helsinki to Johannesburg.
As you douse yourself with Eau d'Abramovic, be sure to document the process in detail so it might become part of the MoMA collection and eventually be reenacted by future generations of aspiring curators.
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